Let’s say we want to meet a stranger, say an interesting personality in the tech world or rationality sphere or whatever.
So I email them to set it up.
This would be easy if it was just me meeting them:
“Hey, would love to grab a coffee or whatever when we’re both free…”
(I don’t drink coffee or beer but it’s smoothest to say “grab a coffee” to indicate a casual meeting. “Or whatever” shows I’m flexible if an alternate activity works better like lunch or walking around or whatever, haha.)
It’s also easy for two of us:
“Hey, my wife and I would love to grab coffee or whatever when we’re all free…”
It’s a little non-standard to have your wife come to a meeting but not super weird.
But the three of us make it awkward no matter what:
“Hey, my wives and I would love to grab coffee when we’re all free…”
I sound like a polygamist living in the Utah desert now.
Okay, “wives” sounds really odd and no one uses it. How about “partners”?
“Hey, my partners and I would love to grab coffee when we’re all free…”
Now there’s an ambiguity problem. Does partner mean “wife” or “business partner”?
And it doesn’t acknowledge or show self-awareness that it’s a bit strange.
It sounds like something a neurotic hippie parent would lead with:
“Our son Caldex has to have his morning beet juice otherwise his day is completely thrown off. And he can’t be next to any WIFI signals. Or gluten.”
@reallyverycrunchy When a crunchier mom drops in unexpectedly… #crunchymom #crunchyliving #holistic @Seventh Generation #breastmilksoap
Even though most of the people I meet are weird or different in many ways, I still try to have the first interactions go as smoothly as possible given we have no rapport built yet.
Many people are chill with the poly thing but starting the interaction like that can feel a little high-maintenance. It’s like saying “Hi, I’m Anna and I have three dogs!” It’s like, “Okay, that’s cool but no one asked…”
Now, none of us mind being in the closet for the purposes of making an interaction less awkward. In this case, one of us plays the best friend.
But that’s awkward too…
“Hey, my wife and our best friend would love to grab coffee when we’re all free…”
Who brings their best friend to a meeting like this? Now we sound like weird people who blog about vacations together.
We can meta-communicate and explain that we’re poly:
“Hey, my partners and I (we’re in a poly triad and aren’t trying to make it weird but just want to give context as to why there’s three people there, haha) would love to grab coffee or whatever…”
But then it feels like we are those people who need to shove our outlier status in people’s faces. I’m not saying it should be like that but it *feels* like that. It feels like it misrepresents us.
I still haven’t found a perfect solution to this problem. In the end, we usually either meta-communicate that we’re poly, or someone plays the best friend.
Maybe in the email, I’ll just include a link to this post. (But then it looks egotistical and self-indulgent to link to my own posts. It’s signaling all the way down!)
Have any ideas/recommendations? Do you encounter any similar problems for your own particular situations you have to explain/give context for?
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